


I still think of you sometimes

by himmelchow



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 02:08:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17778554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himmelchow/pseuds/himmelchow
Summary: This is the first fanfiction I wrote. It's been years since I last shared my writing to anyone but since I know how it feels to wait for days for new content (I've been lurking here for around a year so I feel you guys...), I decided to make this.My grammar needs polishing so point me to some obvious mistakes 'kay?I'm not good at writing endings because in my mind, the story continues on so...I wish the ending is good enough. Haha.I hope you guys enjoy it and tell me what you think. :)





	I still think of you sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I wrote. It's been years since I last shared my writing to anyone but since I know how it feels to wait for days for new content (I've been lurking here for around a year so I feel you guys...), I decided to make this.  
> My grammar needs polishing so point me to some obvious mistakes 'kay?   
> I'm not good at writing endings because in my mind, the story continues on so...I wish the ending is good enough. Haha.   
> I hope you guys enjoy it and tell me what you think. :)

I’ve tried everything- from completely staying out of touch to roughing it out up close and everything in between- but nothing works. Not a single thing helped me forget these feelings. Well, it’s actually dumb to think that anything would work out my way after years (almost five years, in fact) of it not going anywhere close. I’m not expecting him to suddenly realize that _‘Hey, I actually like my best friend more than a friend should’_. I’ve been there, too many times to count. I have stood, heartbroken, watching him eye one gorgeous person after another and wishing that he would look just a little bit closer at me. Then maybe, just maybe, he would have liked what he saw- a love-stricken fool who only has eyes for him. But it never happened. He continued to happily talk about his crushes without seeing that every _‘She’s awfully cute’_ and _‘I really like her’_ drain my soul. His bunny-toothed smile enticing me, taunting me, without him knowing. So no, I don’t really expect him to like me back. Sure, there’s still this miniscule lingering hope that he’d like me but that’s just because my heart doesn’t listen to reason. The truth is, I just actually want to move on. I want to be able to hang out with my best friend and not feel envious about his relationship with other people. I want to be able to feel happy for him for being happy with someone because I do want to see him happy. Honestly, I feel awful for harboring these feelings. I feel like I’m the worst best friend ever. So yeah, I want to move on. I need to move on. I also want to experience the thrill of love described in those god-forsaken novels. And because I know that he wouldn’t love me back, I want to be able to give the love I have to someone who would be happy to receive it (and hopefully, love me back just as much).

‘Yo, what’s up,’ I heard someone say behind me.

I shut my journal as fast as I could, thankful that my hunched writing form blocked his view of it. Hearing his voice so near almost gave me a heart attack.

‘Hey,’ I said, collecting everything from the table and stuffing them in my bag.

‘What are you writing? A love letter, perhaps? You’re acting like someone who was caught cheating on an exam’, Daniel guessed.

Fuck him and his great intuition. And fuck his blinding smile.

‘Who still writes love letters these days?’ I scoffed, thanking my amazing poker face. And because I’m not a bumbling idiot who doesn’t have a plan for things like my best friend slash love of my life walking in on me pouring my feelings for him on paper, I added, ‘It’s a story for my creative writing class. But it’s crap so I don’t want anyone to see it…not until I revise it’.

‘You’re such a perfectionist.’ Daniel is now leaning on the table, the smell of his perfume clouding my thoughts.

‘Can I read it though? I’ve known you for so long but I didn’t know you write’, he replied.

‘I don’t really write write but I have to if I want to maintain my GPA,’ I countered.

Daniel burst out laughing at that. ‘Hahaha! That’s so you!’

‘Of course. I didn’t work my ass off to get straight As on my majors just so an elective can drag my GPA down to a non-laude existence,’ I said while standing up. Daniel followed suit, draping his arms around my shoulder. My heart is ready to burst at this small gesture. This is why I need to move on! I can’t put meaning into every little thing he does. Things that I’m sure are meaningless to him.

‘We should hurry up or we’ll be late for Physics,’ I said, avoiding eye contact until my heart slows down to an acceptable pace.

‘And whose fault would that be Mister creative writer?’ he smirked. ‘Seriously though, as your bestest friend in the world, I should be the first one to read the compelling story I’m sure you’ll come up with.’

The honesty and seriousness in his voice had me reeling. I shoved him aside saying ‘Yeah, fine Mister bestest friend’ because I’m very much at my limit and I might just grab him and kiss him senseless and… Oh my God, what am I thinking?!

I picked up my pace and started racking my brain for a good way to get rid of these emotions once and for all. I believe that thinking up a new strategy to forget the unrequited love I have for my best friend is a better way of spending my time during what is now starting to feel like a very long walk to the Physics building (which is actually just in the corner) than fantasizing about kissing said best friend.

\--

We ran into Minhyun just outside the classroom. Hwang Minhyun is the first friend I made when I came to the University two and a half years before. At first, I was intimidated by the tall, handsome guy but our common love for music drew us so close that we decided to room together. I grew very fond of him that I thoughtlessly word-vomited my long-enduring crush on my best friend back home. And I did that while I was stone-cold sober. That’s how much I trust him.

‘Aha, just in time! I seriously thought you’d be late today,’ he said.

‘Nah! You know he would never let that happen,’ Daniel countered while embracing Minhyun and I.

Minhyun is also the first person I introduced Daniel to when he started school last semester. I thought that Daniel could use another friend to navigate the rough world of the university but I should’ve known he’d fare just fine. He is just in his second semester here but he already has lots of friends (not as many as I have but still a lot). Out of those, the closest to him beside myself and Minhyun would be Seongwoo and Jaehwan (both of whom also became my good friends).

Ong Seongwoo is this unbelievably handsome guy in my year that I might have probably had a crush on if I wasn’t stupidly in love with Daniel. Most of the school population call him a living, breathing (and constantly talking, in my opinion) Greek sculpture. He is also funny to boot and it is a startling contrast with his beautiful face that it makes him five times more appealing.

Kim Jaehwan, on the other hand, is a freshman just like Daniel. They met during the orientation and stuck like glue to each other when they realized that they have the same major, Computer Science. Jaehwan is also very funny. He has a loud, psychotic laugh (Yeah, yeah, I know I’m one to talk… my laughter sound eerily similar to his) but it’ll grow on you. His voice, on the other hand, will capture your heart instantly.

Daniel is such a friendly guy that he had gotten himself two great friends within a semester of entering the university. His charisma and honest personality pulls people to him. It actually reminds me of the first time we met- back when I was a third year in high school.

=====

It’s the start of the new school year and Sungwoon is slowly walking along the hallway littered with kids excitedly meeting friends they missed during the summer break. The atmosphere is alive with talks of overseas trips and summer crushes. Sungwoon expertly traversed the path to his classroom, stopping from time to time to chit-chat with some friends. While passing through one of the first year classrooms, he saw a large group of people surrounding the teacher’s table. At the center is some kid who is animatedly talking about some funny story. The kid’s eyes crinkle when he smiles and all Sungwoon could think of was _Cute. Really cute._ The boy turned his head, saw Sungwoon staring and smiled. Sungwoon couldn’t help but smile back after a second of being surprised. He then proceeded to go up the stairs and into his classroom where he pushed thoughts of the cute boy with the cute smile at the back of his mind and diligently listened to the lessons all day long.

A week after, Sungwoon was sitting on the field reading a book (and no, it wasn’t a required reading. It’s the book he got from the library for fun) when he feels something big swoosh a few inches from his ear before hearing a loud crash a few seats above him. It was a football. He remembered seeing some of the first years passing around a football below the grandstand. They were very loud but Sungwoon had mastered shutting down the world around him while reading. He gets immersed in the story so much so that he forgets where he is or how loud his schoolmates are around him.

One of the boys- the one he saw during the first day of class, the one who’s always smiling – went up to get the ball which apparently rolled back beside Sungwoon.

‘We’re really sorry that we nearly hit you, _sunbaenim_. We’ll make sure to aim better next time,’ he bowed while saying.

‘It’s okay. Just…try not to get someone injured,’ Sungwoon smiled.

The kid returned the smile and walked off with his ball. And that was that.

If only that was true.

A few days passed by, Sungwoon sat on his favorite spot reading yet another book when the smiley boy sat right next to him. Sungwoon didn’t know what prompted the boy to do that when there are tons of free seats nearby.

‘May I help you?’ Sungwoon asked.

‘Hi, _sunbaenim_ ,’ the boy smiled.

Sungwoon smiled back. ‘Uhmm…why are you here again? Do you need something?’

‘Not really sunbaenim. I’m just… I’m just curious. I see you here every day but you just sit down and read your book. Most of the guys come here to sweat it out a little.’

‘I think I already sweat enough in PE,’ Sungwoon said while laughing.

The boy laughed too, his eyes turning into crescents. ‘I mean, we play around and you know...hang out with…friends,’ the boy finished awkwardly.

‘Oh my god! Do I look like I’m friendless?’ Sungwoon amusedly exclaimed. ‘You could actually ask a few people around and they’d know me. I have more than enough friends. I just like to have a few hours by myself to read,’

He was still very much amused at the boy when he suddenly remembered something. ‘Wait. Did you come here and talk to me because you think I needed a friend?’ Sungwoon accused.

‘I-I-I’m so so sorry, _sunbaenim_! I just thought that...I don’t know,’ the boy stuttered, unable to form a comprehensible sentence.

Sungwoon burst out laughing upon seeing how nervous the boy became.

‘I’m really sorry, _sunbaenim_.’ The kid is blushing and sweating too much. It’s funny and cute at the same time.

‘No no no…I’m sorry for laughing so loud. It’s actually sweet for you to do that. I don’t think a lot of people would approach another person and offer to be his friend. You’re different.’ Sungwoon said. He saw the kid still fidgeting so he added, ‘In a nice way.’ _A really, really nice way_.

‘I’m Ha Sungwoon by the way.’

‘Kang Daniel. 1st year,’ the boy- Daniel, said suddenly shy.

‘Well Kang Daniel, 1st year, does the offer still stand?’ Sungwoon said looking straight into Daniel’s eyes. ‘Do you still want to be my friend? Even though you won’t be my first or last friend in this school?’

‘I would love that, sunbaenim.’

\--

After that day, Daniel and Sungwoon started meeting up on the stands every afternoon. Sometimes Daniel just plays on his phone while Sungwoon reads his book. Other times they talk about anything and everything under the sun (mostly sports and dance because Daniel is obsessed with them and music and studying since those are what Sungwoon likes). Two months went by in a flash and they already are so close it’s as if they knew each other for years.

In one of their meetups, some of the girls on their left were whispering and giggling while casually glancing at them. Sungwoon curiously looked at them and he saw that one of the girls, Kim Seolhyun, who is one of the prettiest girls in the sophomore class, was shyly looking at Daniel. Sungwoon glanced at Daniel and saw him blushing. Sungwoon’s chest suddenly tightened. He couldn’t explain why but suddenly he felt cold and gloomy. _Weird_ , he thought.

The gaggle of girls had now been a constant during their afternoon meetups. The girls just stay there giggling and occasionally stealing glances at Daniel.

‘Are you okay? You look constipated…or something,’ Sungwoon said.

‘ _Hyung_ …,’ Daniel said.

In their months of being friends, Daniel had started calling Sungwoon _hyung_ instead of _sunbaenim_.

‘What? Are you? I have some tissues in my bag,’ Sungwoon said while jokingly rummaging his bag for the tissues.

‘No, I am not!’ Daniel said indignantly.

‘Then why are you like that?’

‘Hyung. I…I like Seolhyun.’

And there it is again. The weird something that he felt the first time he saw Daniel looking at the girl. He had a hunch about Daniel’s (and his) feelings-- what with Daniel blushing every time Seolhyun passed by.

‘And I think she likes me back?’ Daniel said it unsurely as if it’s a question. _She definitely likes him back._

‘Whoa there hotshot! You think your crush has a crush on you? What a big head you have,’ Sungwoon joked to hide the brewing jealousy in his heart. When the word jealousy entered his mind, a sudden realization hit him. He has a crush on his friend. He likes Daniel the way Daniel likes Seolhyun. It came as a surprise to him because he never had a crush on a guy before. He have actually never felt attracted to a guy so feeling that way for Daniel was unexpected.

‘ _Hyuuuuuung!_ ’

Sungwoon laughed. It sounded bitter to him but Daniel did not seem to notice.

‘I’m just joking okay. Everyone in the school knows she has a crush on you. What most people don’t know is that you actually feel the same way. So when are you gonna confess?

‘Confess?’ Daniel mimicked dumbly.

‘Yeah, confess. You like her. She likes you. Don’t you, you know…want to date her?’ Sungwoon asked. This conversation is starting to get difficult for him but he has to continue if he wants to hide his real feelings from Daniel.

‘Date?’ Daniel still looked flustered. It’s as if the thought of dating never crossed his mind.

‘Date as in have lunch together, go out on the weekends, hold hands….kiss.’ At the last part, it was as if an arrow sank deep into Sungwoon’s heart.

‘ _Hyung_!’ Daniel exclaimed loudly earning him a few looks from the people around, including Seolhyun’s clique.

Daniel continued in a softer voice ‘I’m not thinking about kissing her.’

‘Uh huh. Whatever. Think about your love life in your own time buddy. Don’t drag us loveless folks into this,’ Sungwoon teasingly said to end the conversation. He can’t talk about it anymore. He won’t.

‘Okay, _hyung_. Don’t tell anyone okay?’

‘Of course, I won’t,’ Sungwoon said defensively.

And that was it.

During their whole conversation, Sungwoon came to realize two things. One is that he likes Daniel and the other is that he will not do anything about it. That was actually the very first strategy he employed to forget his feelings for Daniel (although Sungwoon didn’t know it at that time). He ignored his feelings thinking that they would just go away. But they never did.

=====

I just finished reminiscing our first meeting when I realized I’m already sitting on my usual seat between Minhyun and Daniel. They already have their books, notebooks and pens out. I hurriedly followed suit.

‘Can I copy your notes later, _hyung_?’ Daniel asked.

‘What do you need them for? You have your own notes?’ I replied while looking at Daniel’s clean notes in front of him.

‘I missed a few parts during last week's lecture. Just come hang around in my room later. I’ll copy them quickly.’

‘Why would I?’ I said. I saw Minhyun eyeing me.

‘Come on, I have those canned Mangosteens you like so much. My mom went on a trip and bought a ton when I told her you love those so… later?’ Daniel sure knows that food can be used to bribe me into doing whatever he wants me to do.

‘Fine, fine. Just shut up. Class is about to start.’ I said knowing all too well that there is no denying Daniel.

Minhyun scooted close to me and whispered ‘Staying in his room and eating his food will not do you any good.

I whispered back an ‘It’s fine. I can handle it.’

But it’s not fine because I’m not sure if I can actually handle being in an enclosed space with just the two of us.

‘I’m worried about you.’

‘I’m really okay.’

‘You sure? I could let him borrow my notes instead.’

‘Mine’s better.’

‘True but buried feelings wouldn’t be uncovered if I let him borrow mine.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Fine. Don’t come to me crying.’

‘I know. I know.’ But Sungwoon knows that what Minhyun means is that whatever happens, he will be there for him. He’s sure that if he started crying in the middle of the night, Minhyun would hand him tissues and sit beside him until morning even if he had a 7 am class. He knows because it already happened. A few times.

‘You told me to shut up but you two are there whispering. Don’t exclude me.’ Daniel pouted. He honest to god pouted.

‘I just told him that if he’s unwilling to let you borrow his notes then you can have mine.’

‘But Sungwoon _hyung_ ’s notes are better.’ Daniel said.

‘That’s what I told him. Now shut up both of you and let’s listen.’

Ms. Han started her lecture about mechanics. The topic wasn’t as complicated as I expected. I was actually able to understand all of it even if I did not love Physics (I just had to get a Physics elective because Math majors are required to get a few electives from the college of science and I thought that since Physics involves a lot of math, I could feel right at home).

When the teacher flashed the example on the board, I nearly burst out laughing. Quickly covering my mouth, I started giggling. I faced Daniel who is also looking very entertained. Whether it’s because of my silent laughter or the question on the board, I’m not sure.

=====

Daniel started dating Seolhyun a few weeks after Daniel told Sungwoon about his crush on her. And during that time the two of them started to hang out less and less. The daily afternoon hangouts on the field became twice a week at best. The weekend gaming marathon at Daniel’s house stopped altogether. Sungwoon started hanging more with his batch mates (he actually never stopped hanging with them, it’s just that he sees them a loooot more now). They still see and smile at each other and talk at school but not as much as before. It’s as if they stopped being very close friends and started being just regular friends instead.

Sungwoon didn’t mind it that much. He thought that not seeing Daniel everyday will help him forget. Maybe the little crush he has would go away.

One day, he went home late and while he was walking he heard hushed voices inside a seemingly deserted classroom. When he peeked at the window, he saw Daniel and Seolhyun huddled very close (too close) to each other, kissing. He suddenly felt tears flooding his eyes. He turned around and hurried to the gate. He will not torment himself and watch someone he likes kiss someone else. He now realized that the days that he spent without Daniel did not lessen his feelings for him. He thanked the gods that no one else was at school. No one would see him cry. No one would see him be a pitiful idiot.

_What happened to not thinking about kissing her?_ He asked himself bitterly. All the different feelings he has suppressed rushed out with every teardrop. He felt angry at Daniel for lying about wanting to kiss Seolhyun. He felt resentful for not being the one Daniel fell in love with. He felt envious of Seolhyun for catching the heart of the first person he had ever loved. He felt miserable for being rejected even before he had a chance to admit his feelings. And it all sums up to a big ball of pain lodged in his throat. He has trouble breathing and his heart is slowing down to a near stop. He ended up sprawled on the floor in his bedroom. He doesn’t have an ounce of energy left to move to his bed. He willed himself to stop sobbing but his tears continued to fall until he fell asleep.

=====

I tried to forget that painful day. Throughout the years, I continue to dream about their kiss from time to time. Sometimes I dream of Daniel kissing me instead of Seolhyun. I can’t help it. My brain’s weird that way. I learned to embrace it and enjoy those wonderful dreams instead.

I looked at Daniel again and snickered. ‘So Daniel, how fast did your ex-girlfriend drive the car?’

‘Haha. So funny hyung.’ The two of us continued laughing quietly while Minhyun shakes his head.

The teacher started giving the questions for our homework and everyone is furiously writing it down. While everybody was still packing their stuff after the teacher dismissed the class, Minhyun was already on his feet.

‘Let’s go. I’m already very hungry.’ Minhyun said.

‘Jeez, calm down a little. Let me just close my bag alright?’ I said.

\--

We met up with Kaeun at the cafeteria. Lee Kaeun is Minhyun’s long-time girlfriend. They have been together since high school and it doesn’t seem as if they’d get tired of each other soon. She’s lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend like Minhyun and he is luckier still to have someone like her loving him back. As much as it irks me (it’s harder being single when your friends are so fucking in love), as their eternal plus one, I can attest to the depth of their feelings. You can see a both fondness and respect they have for each other. Their relationship is actually what keeps me look forward to my future love affair.

Kaeun was already munching on her salad when we finished getting our food. I’m not sure why she’s eating that though, she’s one of the most meat-loving person I know.

Minhyun kissed Kaeun, saying ‘Here’s some real food for you, babe.’

Kaeun giggled. ‘I left my wallet in the car and was too lazy to get it so I thought I’ll just buy whatever I can with the change I have in my pocket. Turns out, I can only buy this,’ she said pointing to her salad.

Figures. I knew she wouldn’t eat that if she had a choice.

We started eating (ravaging, actually) our food the moment we sat down. The table was completely silent (aside from some chewing and gulping) for more than ten minutes. That in itself is a feat for our small group since it’s no secret that all of us like to run our mouth. It’s only been half a day but it seems that school work had us all drained.

‘You guys sure were hungry.’ Kaeun quipped.

‘Not as hungry as you, apparently,’ I said looking at the tray completely devoid of scraps before turning to Kaeun who has already started on her dessert.

‘Two hours of talking about speed and velocity and acceleration does that to you.’ Minhyun said, mouth full of the pudding that Kaeun fed him.

Beside me, Daniel was carefully opening his own pack of pudding. He silently took a few bites before feeding me a mouthful. I’m already used to the two of us sharing dessert but I still felt a little shy because the indirect kiss pushed the butterflies in my stomach into panic mode- again.

‘Ooooh…this feels like a double date!’ Kaeun joked.

I eyed Minhyun suspiciously and he hurriedly shook his head, silently telling me that no, he didn’t tell his girlfriend anything. He has (almost) always been honest to Kaeun but it’s different when the secret is not his to tell.

‘We actually did the double date thing once in high school right, _hyung_?’ Daniel said.

‘Oh yeah, right. I nearly forgot about that.’

How I wish I forgot about it.

=====

It took Sungwoon a few weeks before he was able to compose himself. He called in sick the day after the incident but since there has been a few cases of colds around the school, no one was the wiser. It was also a good thing that he and Daniel do not see each other as often. Sungwoon wouldn’t be able to explain the gloomy expression that his face makes whenever Seolhyun’s name comes up.

A few weeks after, he decided that he should stop sulking and do something about it. He thought that dating someone is else is a good strategy to get rid of his crush on Daniel. He’s read a lot of stories about people moving on with the help of a new lover so he thought he could do the same.

Sungwoon started his last year in high school with a new girlfriend. Wendy is a pretty nice girl in the same year as him. They didn’t have a lot in common aside from being members of the music club but they enjoy each other’s company. He knows it’s not a great setup and that it is a little bit unfair to Wendy but he felt like he didn’t have much of choice. And he does like Wendy. Not as much as he likes Daniel, but it’s good enough.

When he told Daniel that he started dating someone, they talked a lot more again. He figured it’s because Daniel doesn’t have a lot of close friends who already has a girlfriend and that he wanted someone to talk about his dates or something. Sungwoon was (not really) happy to comply.

Daniel went to Sungwoon’s classroom after class one day.

‘ _Hyung_ , I need a favor.’ He started. ‘Seolhyun wants to go on a date at this cafe but it’s a little bit expensive.’

‘Do you want me to pay for your date?’ Sungwoon asked incredulous.

‘No, of course not! They have some kind of a promo for four people and I thought that you could take Wendy on a date too?’ Daniel continued.

‘What?’

‘It’ll be like a double date! C’mon _hyung_ , please please please help me. I really want to take her there.’ And because Daniel’s puppy dog eyes is Sungwoon’s (and half of girls in the school’s) weakness, he agreed to go on the accursed double date.

\--

The four of them met up in front of the cat café. _Huh. Maybe this is the reason why he wants to come here so much._

They had a fun time talking and eating good food. Sungwoon can’t remember anything about their conversation. What he couldn’t forget though is at one moment he saw Daniel hold Seolhyun’s hand tenderly while looking into her eyes and at that moment, every fiber of Sungwoon’s being was filled with want.

_Why can’t you hold my hand instead?_ Luckily he was used enough to the both of them being all over each other that he didn’t cry. Instead he let whatever conversation they were having occupy his mind before the sparks of jealousy burn him alive. 

=====

‘Really? A double date in high school?! So what happened?’ Kaeun couldn’t stop her curiosity.

‘Nothing special.’ I said. ‘He and his date were too much into each other that it freaked out my date a little.’ It didn’t bother Wendy at all.

‘You think you’re hilarious huh, _hyung_?’ Daniel jeered.

‘I’m telling you the truth. We broke up a few months after that.’ I said.

‘Really? The date was the reason you broke up.’ Kaeun looked genuinely surprised.

‘Don’t lie to her _hyung_! You broke up because you were going to different universities.’ Daniel said. ‘They broke up because hyung wanted to come here and she wanted to study close to home.’ He said again making sure that Kaeun doesn’t misunderstand.

We did not break up because we were going to different universities.

What I said about us breaking up because of that double date was partly true. We broke up because Wendy wanted to be as touchy feely as the Daniel and Seolhyun were during our date. But because I do like her, I couldn’t let myself take advantage of her like that. So we broke up. It was just a coincidence that we broke up near graduation. It was also easier to let people think that way so that Wendy doesn’t have to face the humiliation of her boyfriend not wanting to be with her and I don’t have to explain why I wouldn’t touch my girlfriend.

There was a different reason why I wanted to come to this school though. One that doesn’t involve Wendy at all.

=====

It’s nearly two years since Daniel and Sungwoon became friends but Sungwoon’s feelings doesn’t seem to go away. In fact it seems to be growing at a considerable pace. So during the time he was choosing a University, he chose the farthest university out of the ones his father is willing to let him go to. He figured that cutting all communication would end his feelings right then and there.

\--

Daniel was in his room helping him pack the things he would bring to college.

‘Why are going so far away _hyung_?’ Daniel said.

‘It’s a great school.’ _It’s far from you_.

‘There are a lot of great schools around here.’

‘Not as good as this one.’

Daniel stayed silent for a few moments busily packing Sungwoon’s books.

‘I’ll miss you.’ He said choking back his tears. ‘You’re my best friend, you know that right?’

_I know. That’s why I have to go_.

‘Call me, okay?’ Daniel pleaded, his eyes earnest.

Sungwoon forced himself to smile. ‘Of course,’ he lied. He already kept his feelings for two years, lying about calling Daniel while he’s at school wouldn’t really be that bad.

\--

It’s the day of Sungwoon’s flight and Daniel went with him to the airport. Daniel hugged Sungwoon so tightly it’s as if he’s unwilling to let him go. Sungwoon closed his eyes and took everything in. He inhaled Daniel’s scent, carefully memorizing the feel of his broad shoulders. They hugged a few minutes longer. They could hardly suppress their tears when Sungwoon walked away to embrace his future- a world without Daniel.

The clouds looked lovely even under Sungwoon’s tear-filled gaze, it comforts him a little bit. He is sad to leave behind a love he has kept for so long but he knows that it’s for the best. He wishes that his tears would become a beautiful memory just like how the murky water turn into pretty clouds.

\--

Upon reaching the dormitory, Sungwoon texted his parents and Daniel that he has safely arrived. That was the last text he sent Daniel. After that, Sungwoon spent a whole year stopping himself from contacting Daniel. He even had to close his social media accounts and block Daniel’s number. It was a drastic move but he really felt that it is his only chance to move on.

Still, it didn’t work. Whatever he sees reminds him of Daniel. Everywhere he goes remind him of Daniel. Every little thing reminds him of Daniel. It seems that absence really makes the heart grow fonder.

=====

When I stopped reminiscing, I heard Daniel say ‘It was as if he broke up with me too.’ I was more surprised by the way he worded his accusation than by the way the conversation turned.

‘He went to college and stopped talking to me. For a whole year.’ Daniel continued his story for Kaeun.

‘A whole year? Wow. So what did you do?’

‘I studied hard and vowed to follow him here and force him to be my friend again.’

‘And did it work?’

‘Well, I’m here aren’t I?’ he said smugly.

‘But a year before coming here, we started talking to each other again and we slowly got back to being friends. It still wasn’t the same. I just thought he got new friends here and that’s why he forgot about the one he left back home.’ Daniel eyed Minhyun who raised his hands and shook his head so vehemently that it made us all laugh.

\--

After the meal, Kaeun and Minhyun, who still has one more class to go to, said goodbye to the two of us. Walking back to the dorm, I’m still caught up in what Daniel said about us slowly talking again. That was my fifth strategy. And I think that was the best one.

=====

It was the summer vacation after starting college and Sungwoon went home because his parents wanted to see him. He was reluctant to go home at first, but the thought of getting a glimpse of someone’s face made him hurriedly buy a plane ticket.

Four days had passed and Sungwoon still didn’t see him. On the fifth day, while walking back home, still chomping on the bread he walked 2 km to buy, he saw Daniel in front of his house. Their eyes met and Sungwoon could clearly see that Daniel is hurting. All it took was three strides and Daniel was crowding him. They stood like that for a few moments before he could utter a breathless ‘Hi’.

‘You forgot me.’ Daniel’s voice was so soft, so hurt, his tears were threatening to fall.

‘I didn’t.’ _I couldn’t._

‘You didn’t answer my calls, didn’t reply to my texts. _Hyung_ , it was a whole year.’

Sungwoon looked down, unable to meet Daniel’s eyes.

‘Why?’

‘I’m sorry. I got caught up in college stuff that I forgot to reach out. I mean, I barely contacted my parents even.’ Lies. Sungwoon called his parents every week.

When he looked up, he can see that Daniel doesn’t believe him. He was thinking of other excuses when he saw Daniel’s little nod. It seems that Daniel wanted to believe him even after the obvious lies.

‘ _Hyung_ …don’t you want to be friends anymore?’ It was breaking Sungwoon’s heart to see Daniel begging.

He doesn’t have to hide from Daniel anymore. A year of not talking or seeing him did nothing to stop his heart from beating for Daniel. It’s time to stop. He shouldn’t punish Daniel for something that is not his fault. _It’s not anyone’s fault._

‘We never stopped being friends.’ Sungwoon earnestly said. ‘We’ll always be friends.’

_We’ll always be just friends. And that’s why, for this friendship—more than my sanity, I want to stop being in love with you._

‘Promise me you’ll text me.’

‘I promise.’

‘Look me in the eye and promise me. The last time you said that, you didn’t talk to me for a whole year.’ Sungwoon looked at the boy who holds his heart- who has held his heart for a long time.

‘I promise.’

\--

When Sungwoon went back for his second year in college, he texted Daniel. They started talking a few days a week. Then they started calling each other daily. Every night, Sungwoon sat in anticipation for Daniel’s calls. And that’s when he knew that his strategy failed- yet again.

=====

We finally reached the dormitory. Inside the lobby, we are welcomed with a usual sight- students milling about with their phones out. They are either taking selfies, chatting or playing games. A considerable number of students are in front of the television, nervously watching the exchange between the male and female leads. The men in this dormitory sure are obsessed with their romantic comedies.

The scene playing out is particularly interesting for me. Aside from the gorgeous leads, I was drawn to the fact that the scene is about the male lead finally confessing to female lead- his childhood friend. He was telling her about how he had loved her for a very long time. _How appropriate._

The girl is just starting to reply when I felt Daniel touch my elbow, urging me to hurry up to the elevator and into his room a few floors up. I easily followed him, remembering that we are there so he could copy my notes and I could feast on my favorite (albeit canned) fruit.

Right after opening the room, Daniel threw himself on the bed with a happy grunt. I sat on the opposite bed, thankful that his roommate is out. The scene from the television is still on my mind.

I’ve spent half a day thinking of ways to stop being in love with Daniel and came up empty. Maybe the show on TV is a signal, a sign of what I needed to do-- confess. I didn’t want to do it because then there is no turning back. But for the sake of my sanity, I should let it all out. He may not love me back, but the Daniel I know would understand, comfort me and think up of ways for us to get pass through this. And if he comes to hate me, then so be it. I’ve decided. It’s better to get everything off my chest now when we are alone than for me to self-destruct later on and be rejected in front of hundreds of people.

Daniel was busy unpacking his bag when I called out to him. _There’s no turning back now_.

‘Hey, I’ll just clean up a little before I start copying your notes.’ He said before going back to his bag.

‘Wait,’ I said, stopping Daniel. ‘I need to tell you something that might...make you hate me.’

‘What is it? Did you eat my ramen? Break my headset? Did you tell my mother that I had to go to the hospital because I was so stupid and I forgot I am allergic to seafood?’ Daniel jokingly said. ‘Because you know, none of that would make me hate you.’

He is looking at me so earnestly, so intensely, that it makes me knees weak.

‘No. Not that.’ I chuckled awkwardly, involuntarily wringing my hands.

Daniel must have seen how nervous I was because next thing I knew he was beside me, holding my hand and willing me to go on. He was being so gentle that I suddenly blurted an ‘I love you.’

‘You what?’ Daniel said looking so…shocked that my heart dropped a few feet more. Well, obviously he’d be surprised. I just sprung something so ridiculous on him.

‘I’m so sorry. Here’s my notes. Just leave it with Minhyun after you’re done.’ I said, pushing my bag to him before hurriedly standing up.

‘Wait, wait!’ Daniel said, standing up and pushing my bag to the bed. He had his hand on my arm to stop me from moving.

‘Why are you sorry?’ He continued. ‘What do you mean you love me?’

My instincts are telling me to run away fast. Maybe I can still disguise this as a prank tomorrow. But seeing Daniel looking so bewildered in front of me, I can’t help but be honest.

‘I love you…not just as a friend. I’m sorry that I feel this way.’

‘Why would I be angry with that?’ Daniel said. It might be that my eyes are playing tricks on me but he looked a little relieved.

‘I…I know that you don’t love me like that…and it’s unfair of me to ask you to stay as my friend…and I’m sorry, but I…’

I wasn’t able to continue apologizing because Daniel had suddenly pulled me in for a kiss. Daniel is kissing me. I have dreamt of this a million times but the kiss is so much sweeter in real life. I was curious how Daniel’s lips would taste like and now I got my answer. They taste like kimchi and orange juice with a hint of Peach that we ate earlier. I was so drawn into the gentle way Daniel’s lips are moving, I almost forgot where we are. Reluctantly, I pushed him away.

‘Why did you do that?’ I said, a mixture of anger, confusion and hope muddling my brain.

‘Because I love you too.’ He said simply, still breathless from our kiss.

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. _Did Daniel just tell me he loves me back?_

‘Don’t lie to me Daniel. You don’t need to pity me.’ I said.

‘It’s true! I love you.’ He said inching closer. ‘I tried to play it off as a joke earlier but when you stopped talking to me, it felt as if my whole world stopped. Seriously! I’m not even exaggerating.’

My heartbeat started picking up at what I’m hearing. Daniel lifted my head up, looking me straight in the eye. ‘Do you need proof _hyung_?’ He asked.

‘Isn’t me being here proof enough for you?’ I furrowed my brows in confusion, asking Daniel a silent question.

I didn’t know it was still possible but Daniel moved closer.

‘Do you think it was easy for me to go to this school? You know that I didn’t really try that hard at school but when you left, I did try. I tried so hard. I started studying harder than ever. I begged mom to enroll me to two different after school program. I studied during summer vacation because the after school programs were not enough. And I knew then just how much I love you. I willingly gave up hours for everything else, for anyone else, just so I can remember how to factor out equations and what not.’ Daniel explained.

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I’m feeling too overwhelmed that tears started falling down my cheeks.

Daniel tenderly wiped the tears on my face.

‘I love you so much, hyung.’ He continued. ‘I didn’t want to be just your friend but if it was all I can be, I was willing to be just your friend. That is how much I love you. I think I loved you since the first time I saw you. I think I loved you even before I realized it.’

Daniel is now so close, we could very well be one person.

‘I love you.’ He said, eyes full of honesty and anticipation. ‘So say it again, _hyung_. Tell me how you feel.’

‘I love you too. I have loved you for a long time. I have only ever loved you.’

I barely finished my confession when Daniel kissed me again. And again. And again. His kisses chased away the worries and doubts. Everything became alright again. Because now, I didn’t need to forget my feelings. Because my best friend told me he loves me too. Because Daniel, just became mine.

**Author's Note:**

> I started (and finished) this work without a title. I tried thinking of one since I wanted to post this but I came up with nothing so I scoured my hard drive and stumbled upon a poem I wrote a decade ago-- a part of which goes like this:
> 
> The lovely sun shines on the endless sky  
> My memories unfolding  
> The streets are merely pavement  
> Not a road towards you  
> Nor a path to your heart  
> And on days like this, I think of you
> 
> I imagined that this is what Sungwoon was feeling (almost) all throughout the story so I decided to use the title of the poem for this work.


End file.
